It can be hard to say, “I’m sorry.”
But it can be even harder to say “I’m sorry” the right way.
It’s true—not all apologies are created equal. You’ve probably been on the giving and receiving end of apologies that left you feeling calmed and recentered, as well as sorries that left you disgruntled, confused . . . or even pissed off all over again.
It’s no secret that I’m pretty far from perfect, and I’m not afraid to say “I’m sorry” when I screw up. But I had no idea until recently that many of my apologies were actually screw-ups too!
My moment of enlightenment began as I was listening to a recent episode on Brené Brown’s podcast “Unlocking Us.” Brené is a research professor whose studies on courage, empathy, shame, and vulnerability over the last few decades undoubtedly have transformed thousands of lives. My admiration for her work deserves its own special blog post. If you’re already familiar with Brené, then you’re saying, “I know, right??” If she’s new to you, I’d recommend starting with her TEDTalk “The Power of Vulnerability.” Brené is a masterful speaker. She’s also written a number of bestselling books, has a feature on Netflix, and now hosts multiple podcasts. Brené Brown is pretty much everywhere.
Anyway, in May 2020 Brené conducted a two-part interview with Dr. Harriet Lerner about the power and anatomy of a good apology. Harriet is a clinical psychologist and a prolific writer herself, with 12 published books about connection, fear, anger, and of course, apologies. Post-podcast I read her book Why Won’t You Apologize?, and I have to say, it was eye-opening. I appreciated that Harriet does not put herself on a pedestal, but rather offers many self-deprecating anecdotes in addition to examples from her therapy practice to elucidate the dos and don’ts of apologizing.
(Sidebar of sorts: While we’re at it, we probably should just go ahead and read all of Harriet’s books. I’ve added Marriage Rules, The Dance of Connection, and Fear and Other Uninvited Guests to my list of finished reads, and man. She’s good. In my head I’ve started referring to her as the original Brené Brown. So much of what she writes about—vulnerability and connection, anxiety and shame, courage and resilience—has been further studied, documented, and spotlighted by Brené. They are both amazing.)
Obviously, apologies occur along a spectrum of misdeeds—plenty of unintentional oopsies can be smoothed over with a quick “Sorry!”, while other wrongs will require multiple conversations and the healing power of time. The majority of our experiences will fall somewhere in the middle. The thing with the more substantial apologies is that even when you recognize that you’ve hurt someone and owe an apology, there are so many potential pitfalls. To craft a genuine, healing apology requires reflection, courage, and whole-hearted listening.
Okay, ready for some nuts and bolts? I’ll use an example of a medium-sized misdeed, something to which many people can probably relate, to highlight what I learned from Harriet about how to say I’m sorry. In the book, Harriet goes into great detail about all of the ways an attempted apology can go sideways. But I am going to share my TWO biggest takeaways from her book. I believe that if everyone simply put these two lessons into practice, we could improve the vast majority of our apologies.
It always helps to use a specific example, so here’s one (albeit hypothetical):
Let’s say that my husband has a very important presentation for work tomorrow. He asks me to stop by the dry cleaner to pick up his lucky shirt, since he won’t have time to do it. But one thing leads to another during my own busy day, and it slips my mind. I totally forgot, and now the dry cleaner is closed. No lucky shirt. He’s a bit upset. What should I do?…
Lesson #1: Keep “but” out of it!
When you say “I’m sorry, but…” that “but” immediately negates your apology. Rather than smoothing over a wrong, in fact it probably made the person feel angry or hurt all over again. It signals defensiveness and deflection of accountability on your part.
Examples: “I’m sorry that I forgot to pick up your shirt, but my day was really hectic too,” or “I’m sorry that I forgot to pick up your shirt, but the dry cleaner really is closer to where you work than where I do.”
Lesson #2: Focus on your actions, not on the other person’s feelings.
When you focus on the hurt party’s feelings rather than on what you did, you are shifting the blame onto him or her—implying that their sensitivity is the real problem, not what you said or did. This kind of apology lacks contrition and accountability.
Examples: “I’m sorry that you were so upset when I forgot to pick up your shirt,” or “I’m sorry that what I did made you so angry.”
Do you see how these “apologies” are not likely to make him feel better? In each, it either feels like I’m shifting the blame, or pointing out how touchy he is for feeling hurt or upset. Even if you couldn’t quite put your finger on it, you can tell that they just don’t feel right.
So what, then, does a good apology sound like?
In her book, Harriet praises the apology formula created by business expert John Kador as being one of the best she’s seen. In his book Effective Apology, Kador says, “We apologize when we accept responsibility for an offence or grievance and express remorse in a direct, personal, and unambiguous manner, offering restitution and promising not to do it again.”
So that means my new and improved apology will:
Be specific and non-defensive
Focus on my actions
Contain a proportionate attempt at reparations
Here’s something I could say that might actually make him feel better!
“I’m sorry that I forgot to pick up your shirt. I told you that I would, and I didn’t come through. Next time I’ll be sure to leave myself a note so that I don’t forget. Can I help you rehearse so that you feel really confident for your presentation?”
Even though it might not erase the offense, a sincere apology will definitely help us to move on from the event.
Making bad apologies is just a bad habit for many of us. It will take mindful effort to start doing better. But simply by attending to the two lessons of leaving out “but” and focusing on my actions, I can improve most of my apologies. That feels very doable to me.
To more fully understand and appreciate the complexities of apologizing, you should read Harriet’s book. She goes into much greater detail about other ways to ruin an apology, shares some of the best apologies she’s ever heard, and explains when and if to factor in forgiveness.
Who knew two little words could be so complicated?
Don't Fleece the Bees 